I am only talking about negative events of the past because as I Ascend, these memories and pain are going away. It could help others so I share. It’s not pretty or flattering. I couldn’t take this memory with me to the grave, I wouldn’t feel right. This happens a lot on Earth, people know things or are going through stuff but do not warn others out of fear. Take it as you will, only you can make your own decisions.
If my reincarnation as an African slave was a bleedthrough from a parallel Earth or a past life, I am not entirely sure yet, but it affected my last life as an Apache woman considerably.
I was depressed and had major self-worth issues so the Tribe didn’t like me very much. Throughout all my five lives on Earth as a Starseed, I’ve never really fit in and didn’t know how to adjust. I AM letting that go in this life.
When my husband died carelessly – I felt it was one more sign he didn’t care about me amongst many – I got extremely depressed. I started drinking and was even more shunned away.
Thoughts of suicide started plaguing me and I fed it. When we keep nurturing this thought form, certain types of entities come around and energize it. Misery loves company. We fill ourselves with this energy, attract people and events and just snowballs. It is good to snap out of it and if the pain is unbearable, we can cry, deal with it, vent or purge, amongst many options. Pushing down, using substances or distracting ourselves will create energetic and more emotional blocks. The pain won’t go away, we need to purge. To feel to heal.
When I started thinking about killing myself I wasn’t drunk yet so I had the INTENTION, even if it was only 4% of it, it was still my free-will choice and there was a consequence to it (not punishment). I started playing in the precipice, pretending I was going to go over and pulling back in the last moment. I was too far gone and drunk to have much control and I went down.
I was 36 and would have only lived until 40 if I had waited for Divine Timing. That lesson really taught me patience and resilience for this life.
I spent something like 40 years in the astral lower realms stuck to the ground where I fell. Time is different there but it felt like 500 years, and sometimes, that I was stuck in ‘hell’ forever. Many incarnated people believe in hell because deep inside they remember being stuck in some astral underworld in between lives.
I couldn’t blink, close my eyes or sleep. I laid there on my back, frozen and cold. I don’t know if the 40 years were because of the time I was supposed to have lived here in 3D.
My brother and mother of this life were there. They bullied and tormented me. This is quite graphic, but as I did this spontaneous life regression (anyone can) I saw they yelling at me and he peed on my face. Remember that I was frozen so… You can imagine what happened.
It was a land of suicidal people. There were no stars and the air was thick with sulfur. The land was covered by stone and earth. We were surrounded by mountains. I never saw what was beyond. We all killed ourselves by sudden suicide, substance abuse, a careless life and other ways. There were lots of psychopaths, demonic entities and evil there.
I also know now that all my lives have been preparing me for this life and mission, and for that, I had to lower my Light and vibration considerably. I did this subconsciously, although 3D life used to feel so ‘real’ we used to forget what we came here to do. We are moving to 5D now.
I went out of alignment, harmed my emotional, mental, spiritual and physical bodies, I was zapped of self-love, confidence and a healthy sense of self. When I was reborn, I had a major boundary issue. I almost lowered my vibration to the level of demonic entities. But I kept my heart and compassion and that was my safety net so we are never too far gone.
In this life, I was born to a narcissistic and almost fully possessed mother, tormented by a psychopathic brother and my father was neglectful. Most people have at least one loving person in their lives, I had no one.
When I was little there were ghosts and other things in my house everytime I was alone. My Lightworker grandfather – who passed away before I was born – was there from my birth until I was 6 years old so I could survive the beatings, traumas, abuse and attacks from physical and interdimensional people.
When I was 5, my mom would bring her friend who had a son who would beat me. They say children are good but I met many who were not. One day, he was laying over me and trying to rip my eyes out with his thumb. I screamed and begged for help while they laughed.
When I was 7 or so, I begged to leave my swimming classes (which my mom only gave me so I could keep an eye on her precious son) but was forced to continue. There was a boy there trying to drown me for months. There were many children there but he would always look for me in the crowd, grin and then enter the pool. I never told anyone because my ex-mom always blamed me for whatever kids did to me.
Wherever I went I was harassed by some kid. At home, I was constantly traumatized by my ex-mom and brother.
At 13, my ex-mom – who is afraid of her birth family – followed her older sister to Japan for no reason at all. We were always poor but ate well and had enough. My parents had just started a new business but somehow that was not enough for them, it never is to them as they are greedy and live in fear.
My relatives started a war because we only found we had nowhere to live when we got here, and they were pissed we were eating their food and sleeping in their living room. When my bully cousin went after my brother, I defended him. It was the beginning of my courage. I never stood up for myself but always defended others.
They put me in Japanese high school where the bullying and racism started. It doesn’t matter I look like them, I am a second generation Japanese and from a poor country, therefore, of a lower race, it seemed. Not all Japanese people are racists of course, but in the 90s and in that school I was bullied by students AND teachers. I won’t keep quiet about this. I never understood how so many foreigners do not speak up. I’ve seen racism over and over again in work environments, where the Japanese would impose a lot of work, emotionally or verbally abuse Brazilians, Philippines and Chinese – the last being paid very little. I’ve also befriended or helped many who were depressed because of it.
I was told I was pig soup, to go back to my f*** country and to speak f*** Japanese as I was in their land.
In my early mission, I was subconsciously cleansing this lower distortion. I had to stand up against racism many times when it happened to others.
There was one teacher though, Ishida sensei, who I realize was an Empath. He tried his very best to cheer the foreigners and to teach us Japanese. I see him as the first Master I had in life and follow his examples to this day. He was also the first friend I ever had in life at 14. When I was about to abandon high school, there was that ‘paranormal’ moment when everything stops because something very important is about to happen and change our life course. Then he pointed at my heart chakra and made me promise I would never change that. He knew my future, it seems, he said that people would hurt me and I’ll see the ugly and evil. That I’ll be torn. But that I was special and no matter what it happened I should never, ever, change my heart. I promised in tears. I knew he was talking about himself and he recognized me as an equal. At that moment a lot of information was exchanged. I feel he saw himself in me and also my future while I saw his past in a flash. I call it an instant ‘Knowing’ that goes beyond telepathy.
I keep my promise as a ‘disciple’ to this day. He changed my life. When I was 21 and had gone through an attack by black magic, had been betrayed by many people and seen a lot of evil, I remember I was looking around and judging others. I felt like they didn’t do their part or at least something to make this world better, that I was the only one I knew caring about everything, feeling stupid and angry about it. Suddenly it was like he was talking to me. I hadn’t thought of him for a long time and he came to my mind suddenly. I actually said ‘I promise’ out loud and I’ve been enraged by Humanity, evil or selfishness again after that but I never truly wavered in my service. I never contemplated giving up my heart again. He truly saved my life.
Back at when I was 13, after intense attacks at school – and at home – I snapped and lost it. I know how it feels like to reach our limit.
I had a lot of good dharma though. I always helped others, shared my lunch, took care of Animals or defended kids until that age already. That sort of creates a tunnel from which our Spiritual Guardians can come in and intervene in our lives when it really matters.
There was a Friday that was so awful that I came home in despair. I just couldn’t go back to school on Monday. I waited for too long, never telling my parents about what was happening. It was a weakness of mine, I held things inside until I couldn’t deal with them anymore. At home, I blurted out I couldn’t go to school anymore.
My ex-mom didn’t believe me at first. She sneered and said that no one would bully me, that these things don’t happen without a reason. This woman had been hell-bent on destroying me, so she changed tactics to what would hurt even more and then said that I surely provoked them. All of them, the teachers, girl gangs and the boys threatening to rape me… I only escaped the boys using pure intuition and instinct. There were two stairways out of that school and I would pick one every day and run. When I got out safely I always knew they had picked the wrong stair.
When she accused and blamed me I must confess, at 13 and with no support whatsoever, I went insane for half an hour or so. I couldn’t argue or say anything, I went catatonic in my panic. When we are that young it feels like the problem is so big it will last forever. I thought that would be my life and I couldn’t take it. She then laughed and all my family went out. I notice now as my consciousness goes back in time that she spoke in a low voice, and wonder if she purposefully tried to hide this from my father who cared a little bit about me.
I went for her medication because I only saw two options: to die or go back to that hell. My mom regretted not aborting me, always telling me how much she hated everything about me while the Japanese were telling me to go away so I just couldn’t see anything beyond this blur. It wasn’t a revenge on anyone, I thought I was doing them a favor.
I filled the glass with water and then poured about 50 pills on my hand. When I consented to suicide, my hand started moving on its own accord. When I multidimensionally looked back into the experience, there were a few suicidal entities around me. In what was supposed to be my last moments, I kind of ‘channeled’ them. I lost control of my left hand. This happens to mass murders, suicidal people and in situations when we lose our sanity for a moment. And I wasn’t strongly occupying my heart yet.
Then I felt a breath in my ear and heard my Guardian say very clearly and loud ‘Just hang on for another night.’ My hands immediately returned to my control, the fog was gone and as he waited for me to decide, I realized it was still Friday. I could kill myself the next day. He knew exactly what to say. One night was nothing.
That night my Spiritual Team took me out of here and I had a rehabilitation for about 3 months – although time is completely different in higher realms – and when I woke up on Saturday, I was not the same person who left. I had an accelerated growth in my courage. They don’t do miracles, the seed was already being nurtured by me since I was little, the problem was that I believed otherwise. Obviously, I didn’t realize anything happened back then.
I dreaded going back to school but I went anyway, with heart palpitations and dread. As they robbed, humiliated or tortured me (always in groups) I continued to stare at the ground, dissociated. But something had changed. I wasn’t terrified anymore.
It took me two weeks to realize this. One day I came back from my out of body (as I always did when anyone was abusing me) and looked up. As amazing as it sounded, for the first time, the leader of the bullies was alone. I looked at her, asking myself why I was ever afraid of her. I saw her for what she was and have been seeing abusers ever since: they are cowards, weak and are only barking. If you look at them in the eye, fearlessly, they put their tails between their legs. I don’t care if they are a big guy, if they are in groups or they are dating the boss. In work environments, other schools and places that I had to stand up for myself, I never met a bully who continued with their threats after I stood up. A lot of people see kindness as a weakness and thought I was an easy target, it seems. Being spiritual has nothing to do with being a doormat or punching bag. I owe this change for not going through with the suicide in this lifetime. It broke my limits and fear.
Every time I needed to confront or discuss something with someone, I went alone. Being courageous (feeling fear but trying despite it) showed me how coward those who need a group behind them are.
After throwing the bully leader down the stairs, I stood up against another gang of 11 girls at once and then, a teacher. When the delinquent Japanese popular girl’s group invited me to join them, people saw it and left me alone for good. I didn’t join with the ‘enemy’ though, I was disgusted by them.
One day I put my foot down and said I wasn’t going to school anymore. There was still a lot of hate and the vibration made me sick all day like I was about to throw up. There was always hushed whispers or people staring.
I was beginning to stand up against my ex-mom as well.
As I wasn’t going to school, my parents forced me to work as an adult. They made an arrangement with their boss and I worked in a factory for 8 hours a day, that is forbidden by the Japanese law.
I never saw any of that money…
When I was 22, I finished school and thought I was going to college and become a veterinarian. My ex-mom grinned when I asked about my money and told me they spent it all in the apartment they lived in (and threatened to kick me out). My father had said he was saving my own money for my college. My own parents scammed me and I started life with my left foot.
I had awful friends, 4 narcissists in my life until I was 36, went through a period without food, friends and thought I was going homeless.
Throughout 30 years of a miserable life, I kept healing and figuring this matrix out.
I’ve learned about low vibration, evil, manipulation, abuse and darkness and now I can help others.
Through my suicide, I was implanted and hooked down energetically, attracting a lot of abuse and nasty people. I had to remember how to build self-love, worthiness, courage and confidence from the ground up completely from intuition alone as no self-help book ever helped. There are a lot of scammers in the consumerist world. I consider dishonest when a book promises something and don’t deliver what they claimed. For most, it’s just for money. My vibration wasn’t high enough to be able to find good ones back then when I was traumatized. I can say now that ‘Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving’ by Pete Walker is the best book I’ve ever read. It could help everyone, not only traumatized people. I attracted it into my reality when I had healed a lot. It teaches us about emotions, pain and how to truly heal it. Before that, I needed the lower experiences for my future mission. My Higher Self planned the toughest path towards Emotional Balance. She knew I could take it, get up and would have the guts to share these experiences with others. I didn’t have this courage two years ago, but as I kept writing and putting myself out there, we break these limits. An important path to be One with Source again is to be on our mission. If you want to speak, write, record, create, share or whatever and don’t have the courage to do it now, move into it slowly. Visualize, dream of it, write a blog or do a video.
When we look for the answers within, we become empowered and nothing can shake what is built upon strong foundations. All great people suffered in the old parasitic pyramid system. Lightworkers were the virus who came to break it down. Now, only Humanity’s belief is continuing to create the old 3D.
Truth is not popular in this world, we will heal when individuals come out with what they know or went through.
I see how suicide multiplied my pain and to rebuild my bodies, mind, energy and heart was excruciating. I didn’t even know why my life was so bad, I thought I was cursed.
I don’t care if someone believes in it or not, I gave up on fitting in the old Earth society a long time ago, neither about what people who have been programmed think. It is common for Lightworkers to lose everyone and everything, then the Higher Self comes in. But this story helped a starseed already. My Star Family was right when they suggested (not commanded) that I told this story. (I did it years ago and this is the 3rd version because my consciousness keeps expanding and I understand it better and better). That’s how my mission started.
Now I AM so glad I trusted Source. Even the most horrible events in my life were for my own good.
It is your decision but by universal laws, if we kill our bodies, of other humans, animals or even extraterrestrials we are not punished and Source is NOT judgmental, but intentions and actions have consequences and killing is the worst type.
What to do then
After all that you may realize suicide is not an option. Some dark gurus have been supporting it as a way of exit or some say Source told them to kill themselves. I guarantee you, that’s not Source talking to you. That’s a demonic or interdimensional entity. If you incarnated on Earth, you wanted to be here, even if you don’t remember.
I know how it feels like to be suicidal. I didn’t do it again but I’ve wished I was dead since I was 8 until I was 32 or so. I knew for certain I could not do it but the option of living with so much trauma when I didn’t even know how to heal was a nightmare.
Look at, feel it, write about, vent and deal with the pain. One trauma at a time. Do not share with someone who judges or don’t show compassion for you. And if you are anything like me and going through a phase you have no one, I used a wall as a surrogate and imagined I was talking to a friend as compassionate as I am like she totally understood me. It was therapeutic. I actually attracted an awful psychologist who judged and shamed me, without recognizing I was dissociated.
I dealt with, wrote about my trauma and when I found good enough and trustable people who cared about me I opened up to them. I vented, cried or raged about my traumas laying down in bed alone as well and that huge block started to melt day by day until the ‘purgings’ became easier to deal with.
When counting on someone else to witness the pain with us, make sure they are empathic. If you feel they are not listening, empathizing with you, shaming you or whatever, it has everything to do what is going on within them and not you. If you chose a mainstream healer such as a psychologist for whom you are just another number in their paycheck, then pick another. Do not accept people’s judgment of you, that’s how they treat themselves, it’s not your truth, so don’t pick it up.
I do understand the need to leave. I no longer fantasize the afterlife or need to run. I created a safe vortex of high vibration where I live. That’s where I found a little piece of safe haven and I barely have to interact with the low vibration or wounded people. I also won’t have many problems when it’s time to depart because I’ve never been afraid of death and know I am going back to a beautiful place. And as I processed so much, emotions just flow easily. I was suicidal because the blockage didn’t let me feel and it amplified lower emotions. I feel centered most of my day (not happy or it’s depressed polarity) and my purgings are easy and short. Remember how we used to cry one minute and be laughing another when we were little, that’s emotional flow and should be the norm. We have been brainwashed by a society that is afraid of emotions to suppress them, making us sick. Realize Christ Humans are Empaths.
I suggest clearing is done before we exit because death doesn’t raise our vibration, transform us into angels or solve anything. We will be vibrating exactly as we did in life and will end up in dimensions that match that. Suicide is also harmful because we will actually lower our overall frequency with that act.
Now, there are two trustable Ascension teachers who said that the astral realms are clear, and I found a lot of answers to my abnormal life in Sandra Walter, Denise LeFay and Lisa Renée’s writings. Sandra and Denise said the astrals are clear. I haven’t seen that myself but that’s why we have teachers many steps ahead and in higher frequencies, showing the way. It can also mean that my suicide experience doesn’t apply to this Now because those realms are cleared. Personally, I did see 2 black shadowy entities running away from the underground and up to the surface at 1 am when there was no Sunlight to blast them out of here. It was in 2015 or so, so I have a small confirmation that the Spiritual Realms are being cleared or that it’s already done.
Remember to ask for your Spiritual Family to help you clear your wounds and traumas as well. When we do our part, higher support is constant. We do half of the job while Source/Goddess/God does the rest.
After clearing and shining the light on our wounds, making sure we will die in the highest vibration we choose, we can DECLARE to Source our wish to exit. In prayer – which is just talking to our Creator – ask that a way out is made and that you want to experience a better world. That will bring the best exit that will guarantee the highest good of all: your family, those who love you, with less suffering possible and not only that, your Spiritual Family will be ready and preparing your departure.
Intervention and miracles are always available for those with a compassionate heart which guarantees a clear connection to loving Beings and Source.
Use any of this for your growth and path, it’s just a perspective. We all have different viewpoints as fractals of Source, it’s just my experience. I only mean to inspire and do not have all the answers. I am just a galactic storyteller, not a spiritual teacher and I don’t know all. But I want to help from the bottom of my heart and find suicide one of the most heartbreaking experiences. If anything, I know exactly how you feel. It doesn’t make you weak like a cruel society claims. EVERYONE has a breaking point and those judging are either dissociated or they haven’t suffered much in life.
I also need to tell you one thing that I’ve never heard others say before but I’ve learned through my 8, 13, 14, 15, 18 years old and many life crises I have been through. You reached a limit because you are about to break through your glass ceiling. You are near your limit because you are going where you have never gone before, that’s why you feel stretched to the limit. If you only survived this, if you just wait for your ‘just another night’, you will see this. I’ve broken all my limits and now love myself, have self-confidence, ‘know thyself’ and am aligned with Source in a way that I know it is still rare on Earth but wish everyone could achieve.
There is another reason why I wanted to go away so badly. It is tragic that the life I killed myself was my last lifetime on Earth. I intuitively knew this and was tired, yearning for home. The suicide delayed that considerably as you can see. Sometimes my Soul still feels worn out in this life and at some rare moments, I still want to go Home but I always try to snap out of it. It’s not even close to being suicidal or dissociative. This time I am really going. Trust the Divine and know that no matter how painful it is, you can handle whatever happens. As Souls, we incarnate to stretch ourselves to the limit. We came in to be happy, yes, but to learn and grow too.
Question all your beliefs. A lot of the suffering comes from a very sick society that created a template to how women and men should live like that has nothing to do with our Soul Mission. Having no boyfriend is not really a bad thing, when we love ourselves we are not needy and can be happy by ourselves. If we find a great match and we love ourselves, then it is time, but it’s not the absence of a partner that is making one unhappy, but the belief that not having a significant other makes someone incomplete. I suffered a lot with the belief I was supposed to get along with family and relatives when in truth, many Starseeds incarnate into dark families to help to clear the bloodline and then they must move on to not continue to be attacked. An Empath’s Light and Aura can be very triggering to the spiritually sick, the wounded and the dark ones.
I’ve intuitively felt this is an accurate description of what the separation of worlds is and those who harm themselves could end up somewhere entirely. We are feeling very difficult emotions because of Ascension – Please read this link for the best understanding on what the shift means, and read Sandra’s blog to see if you resonate. She is the clearest WayShower I’ve ever seen, a very trustable source.
Maybe you forgot you are not alone, so know that I love you very much and you have no idea how many more do too.
Wishing you all the healing in the world!